mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
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I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
How all things should be taught/explained.
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.