I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
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Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.