Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
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I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
no refunds
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
Seems a bit forward
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.