Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
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My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.
Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.
Sing it!
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*