[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
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Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
Friend: What’s that you’re reading?
Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”
Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?
Me: $24.99.
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
Forever 21… pounds overweight
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”