[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
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If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
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Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
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*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
u guys got any snacks onboard here
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I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’