I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
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Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
honestly, i need both:
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.