I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
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I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.