Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
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How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
eggs benadryl
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.