When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
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mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you