I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
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Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
Some of y’all tomorrow …
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.