Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.

what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.

Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.

Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.

charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not

[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]

“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”

*covers it with towel*

“ok now it’s safe”

Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.

When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying

If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.

*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?

I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.

Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.

[Sonic]

Me: … and 17 orders of tater…

Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.

Surgeon: I can’t find the clot

Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise

to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of

Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!

my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination

Ground control: He says he loves you very much

Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?

Me: this a rush song?

Bartender: yeah, you a fan?

Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*

Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around

[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]

me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!

wife: oooooooohhhhhhh

midwife: that’s it keep pushing

Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes

do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus

[Hospital Parking Lot]

Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.

Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.

WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?

ME: [current world hula champion] You can try

“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”

#SixWordHorror

DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?

“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”

3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*

Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*

3: THAT WAS MINE!