4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
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We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
#Caturday
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.