psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
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My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
Don’t snitch tag.
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
Stephen King ruined corn children for me
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
This is always good for a laugh.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:
1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg