Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
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Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.
I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
I’m like a potato because I’m:
-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
Breaking news:
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”