Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
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I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
Love is always patient and kind.
“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
waiter: what would you like for breakfast?
me: toast
waiter: that’s weird but ok
[taps glass with fork]
waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe