Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
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I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!
Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?
Me: All the time
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
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50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
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ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME