Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
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Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
Love it! 👍😂
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
at ease…shoulder.
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?