@smithsara79

John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!

Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works

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@ValeeGrrl

Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.

An M&M.

In half.

@slimmy_shady

Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”

@kibblesmith

Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.

@HatfieldAnne

If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.

@samalmightysam

No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.

@dadinabearsuit

The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”

@Darlainky

Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?

Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.

@Darlainky

Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.