Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
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Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.