John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
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You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
he looks great for his age
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.
Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
Always leave them wanting their money back.
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
Me My dog
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?