Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
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sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Yesterday there was a sign in our building lobby saying that a possum was living in our trash cans. This morning the sign was gone.
Best case scenario: The possum relocated overnight.
Worst case scenario: The possum took down the sign itself
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.