As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
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If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings: