As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
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If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
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Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs