fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
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Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did