is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
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fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.