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Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)