My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
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Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
Nice try, poison.
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
wtf is an acronym
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day