My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”

Me: “wedding cake”.

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Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.


I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.


Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”


If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.


If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.


After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.


A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.


Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana


Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”


Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.