I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
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*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.