Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
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How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
A leaf blower, but for people.
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?
me: no, there’s no oxygen
5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?
me: then yes
5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?
me: then no
5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?
me: is someone paying you to do this?
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.