me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
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Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
RT if you know someone like this!!!
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.