When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
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[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.