her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
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I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial