Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
You Might Also Like
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.