If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
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[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
finally found a reasonable question
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Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.
My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.