DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful
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“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
These aliens are taking forever.
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough