One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
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I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
“I SWEAR TO GOD, SANTA WILL FLING HIMSELF OVER THIS HOUSE LIKE A SPEED BUMP IF YOU DON’T STOP FIGHTING.”
— Advent door 21
Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught
Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.