doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
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[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.