CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
You Might Also Like
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.