ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
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I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
“Why you watching this shit?”
[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.