(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
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A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.
Always a metermaid never a meter
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
When someone says you are so lazy
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.