♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
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[shakes fist at other fist]
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.