When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
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Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.