The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
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[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going