ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
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Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.
*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*
My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCKPLS TELL EVERYONE