It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
You Might Also Like
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.