There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
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*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
What are you listening to?
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
Just had my nails done!
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
Is fructose made with real fruct?