It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
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My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews