I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
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eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.