[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
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ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.