I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
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If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
This is true.
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
Reasons my toddlers cried this weekend:
-It stopped raining outside
-My wife asked them if they wanted to go to the playground
-I took the “wrong” bite of my sandwich
-I helped my 4 y/o for to many minutes
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
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You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
i wish all
whales
a very
big
Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.