I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
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Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱