I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
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everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison