Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
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She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.