“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
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I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
A flock of dads is called a grill.
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
What an awful time to have common sense.
And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.