Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
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wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs