A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
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Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
In an unexpected turn of events yesterday, my husband tested the child locks on the car doors.
“Laura, can you come and let me out?”
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.