Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
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CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
don’t be scared
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
Me: “Hello, I’m here for my interview at IKEA.”
Interviewer: “Come on in! Make a seat!”
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.